Thoughts on Long-term Pursuit of Goals
At some point I started caring way too much about receiving a certification for my language abilities. It made sense in the past when I intended on uprooting my life and transplanting myself on the other side of the world, these days not so much. Mostly a vanity plate that lets me tell people something about myself that I mostly don't even find impressive anymore. A test that once felt absolutely insurmountable now firmly within reach.
It's hard for me to express how annoying it feels to spend over 12 years studying off and on, grinding away at vocabulary, kanji characters, foreign grammar and multiple study abroad experiences. The time passed so quickly, and yet I firmly remember the start, middle and end.
I've frequently lamented the friends I made and lost along the way; who shared my goals of becoming fluent in the Japanese language. There was a profound belief that we would all become fluent, move to Japan and stay close friends. Definitely one of the saddest parts of growing up is realizing that most of that is still up to you to actually follow through with, and plans among a group fall apart quite quickly when someone realizes they're in over their head or is no longer interested in continuing to follow "the dream".
It's a difficult task to quantify how important studying this language has been for me. It's given me a sense of direction, presented me with new ways to learn more about another corner of this world. And at the same time it's brought me strife and anxiety over whether or not I would ever be able to use it professionally. Which makes it even sillier that I've now been lucky enough to be able to travel to Japan multiple times, utilizing the language to get around, speak with locals, help other tourists amongst other experiences. I've also been able to use it at my current job, speaking with our Japanese employees and practicing my spoken skill in my home country. It's a surreal experience every time I open my mouth and the sounds of a language that isn't mine fall out, and do so in the correct order.
I ventured out on this journey nearly 12 years ago when I was starting my first bachelor's degree as my degree required a second language and instead of doing what most of my friends did by choosing French or Spanish, I followed my heart and chose Japanese. I don't think I could have predicted back then that I'd still be learning, speaking or writing in the language today, but here we are.
Briefly, I want to mention that during my schooling, Japanese was never easy for me (and still isn't). I routinely failed Hiragana and Katakana tests, then vocabulary and dictation tests, then grammar and speaking tests all the way through my first degree. I think it's unfair to blame myself for being young and uninterested in school at the time but I kept that streak up of barely just scraping by for four years, finally getting a full-on 'failed course' reality check in my final year of university after studying abroad for four months in Japan that I needed to try harder if I wanted to actually improve this skill.
I distinctly remember what this period of time felt like, I had graduated with no direction or future employment in the horizon. I was pushing my friends away at every turn. I was completely lost and had no idea what to do next in life. But my Japanese studies continued through depression and anxiety, through mistakes and nightmare days, for some reason I kept doing my flashcards -- even if they weren't sticking or I wasn't fully immersed in them. Something kept me pursuing slowly towards the next step. I can't stress enough how stubborn I can be, and this was the first time I think I noticed it could be used positively.
That was in 2018/19, and over the course of the next 18 months I would go on to get a job, find a new job(!) and then discovered Wanikani which changed how I felt about Japanese and language learning as a whole. I began doing my daily reviews, which turned into an obsession that I couldn't really shake. Chances are if you're reading this you've seen me do my reviews at some ungodly hour, or some inconvenient time during the middle of the day and you know that I was dedicated. I vividly remember being woken up during the middle of the night from set alarms to do reviews so that I could learn more kanji and words in Japanese, I don't miss those days anymore. The thing was that I pursued the goal that most in the Wanikani community desire which was finishing the program in 52 weeks, which I eventually did. Another lesson to take away, setting a goal and focusing on it can change your life if you have the tools and strategy to get there.
After I finished the Wanikani program I thought okay now I can read the actual characters, time to fully understand everything! Right? Wrong. It still took time to improve myself and continue learning new words, grammar and expressions. It really wasn't until my second study abroad term where I was able to grow into a real speaker of the language thanks to my friends abroad who pushed and inspired me to become a better student, and encouraged me to be more social and try to use the language wherever possible. These people truly helped shape who I became and I thank them deeply.
I definitely rambled a healthy amount already so I'll wrap it up. If you're thinking of trying to do something you've always wanted to do, or have tried multiple times and failed at but desperately wish you could do, try again. I didn't really mention it, but along the Japanese way I pivoted back to French (a language I grew up learning in school) and acquired that skill too, my journey provided me the opportunity for employment and opened many doors in my life that would have remained closed without that skill. French was always something I wanted to learn but kept giving up on, until I didn't. I made the conscious choice to push myself into going to a community French class where I restarted my learning and quickly remembered why I wanted to learn it in the first place, which sprung me back into trying Japanese again after a long hiatus. All that being said, none of it would've happened if I hadn't tried again and again and again.
Be tenacious and annoying with yourself, ask why limiting your capabilities and letting your dreams stay dreams is acceptable to you. Ponder these things daily and you'll find that you do have the spirit and the courage to pursue what makes you feel happy and alive. It obviously doesn't have to be languages, that's just what gave me purpose. You know yourself best, so search for that thing you're avoiding because you don't want to fail and challenge it once more and then when it inevitably wins, step up to the plate one more time. It gets easier the more you chip away, it just never feels that way until you're at the top and you realize it was all worth it. Thank you for reading.